We know that navigating a fertility and family building journey can be stressful, and figuring out how to create boundaries with family and friends may add another layer of pressure. This can be especially true during the holiday season which may feel especially overwhelming. This webinar was an opportunity to learn more from experts about how to manage stressful situations and protect your emotional wellness during a family building journey.
This webinar featured:
- Stephanie Fidgeon, LCSW and Progyny Patient Care Advocate
- Kelli Johnson, MSW, LCSW, PMH-C, CCRM Colorado
- Martha Ramos, Progyny Member
- Emily Cook, People Manager at Progyny
Common triggers
During a family building journey, there is a lot of focus on the physical aspect, but it’s important to also keep mental health and wellness at the forefront. Family building journeys often see layers of grief and loss which may include a negative pregnancy test, cycle results that weren’t what you were hoping for, or miscarriage, that can lead to emotions of anxiety and depression.
With the holiday season coming up, there are many social triggers that can pop up, and it is beneficial to feel prepared for the different events or gatherings you have coming up. You may be around different family or friends that you don’t see often who may ask uncomfortable or difficult personal questions. You may also find yourself around small children which can bring up a feeling of grief for the child you hoped to have, or around the status of your current treatment journey. Outside of the holidays you may encounter a baby shower invite or pregnancy announcement on social media that can also bring up these feelings of grief or jealousy. These events will continue to occur while you’re on your family building journey, and it’s important to remember you are allowed to feel sadness, frustration, or even a bit of jealousy.
Although these are normal feelings to have, it is important to acknowledge that this is not a weight you have to carry alone. There are many resources available, whether that is through your Progyny Patient Care Advocate, an Employee Resource Group sponsored by your employer, or family and friends that are there to listen along the way.
Managing stress
Identifying your triggers and learning coping strategies that work for you are great steps in managing your mental wellness through your journey. Below are some common stressors and tips for managing them.
1. Loss of Control – Even if you pour every ounce of yourself into this process and do all the things that your medical team is suggesting that you do, you still don’t have control over the outcome. A couple tips for managing these feelings are:
- Finding a mantra that works for you. This can be a reminder of things you are doing during the journey that help you, such as “I am nourishing my body” or “I am following my doctor’s recommendations”
- Create a self-care calendar. Write down different daily tasks that you can control that bring you joy, happiness, comfort, or relaxation.
2. Helplessness – Many times, if only one person is going through treatment, their supporting partner may feel like they need to “find a fix.” There are different things the partner can help with throughout the journey to take some of the burden, even If that is just taking the time to listen. Connecting with each other outside of the family building process can be beneficial in feeling supported and not letting the journey be all consuming.
3. Keeping up with Daily Responsibilities – It may be more difficult to manage work commitments alongside fertility care so it’s beneficial to find people you trust in your organization that you can lean on. In addition to that person, employers may offer Employee Resources Groups that can be a great place for inclusive support from people who’ve gone through a similar experience.
4. Finding Support – During a family building journey, it can often feel isolating, making it difficult to find the support you may need.
- Resolve.org is the national infertility organization and offers local support resources, online support groups, and in-person support groups in select cities, that are either peer led or professionally led. b. A qualified mental health therapist who specializes in fertility counseling. The American Society for Reproductive Medicine website has resources to help you find mental health professional groups in your area. If you have access to the Progyny benefit you have your dedicated Patient Care Advocate, as well as access to a team of clinical educators, who can help you along your fertility journey.
Setting boundaries
Setting clear boundaries during a family building journey is crucial, as it helps to manage stress, minimize triggers, and ensure you can navigate the process in a way that supports your emotional well-being and needs. If you have a partner, it will be beneficial to have a conversation about their comfort levels as well and open this dialogue to figure out where boundaries are individually, and as a couple. From there you can think about your boundaries as concentric circles.
- Inner Circle: People that you will feel comfortable sharing the most information with about your family building journey.
- Middle Circle: Friends or family you don’t see as often as the inner circle.
- Outer Circle: People who don’t know much, if anything, about your family building journey.
Once you have the circles in place, you can figure out the information you are comfortable sharing with each group. Some kick starters to a conversation with your circles to help set boundaries in response to their questions/outreach could be:
- I really appreciate your concern.
- I’m really glad that you’re thinking about me during this journey, but I’m really not ready to talk about that.
- We appreciate your support, and we will share updates with you when we have them.
- We are currently going through fertility treatments and the best way to support us right now is [insert your specific need here].
Navigating conversations
Establishing boundaries are helpful but can also lead to difficult conversations and tough questions. For example, those balancing work and family building may feel the need to have conversations with managers or colleagues that can be challenging due to the personal nature of the situation. It’s good to remember that this is your health information to share or not share. When it comes to sharing, it can be as broad as “I need time off for some medical appointments,” or if you have a closer relationship with a manager or coworker, you can share a bit more information.
In addition to talking with a manager or coworker, you may also find yourself in difficult conversations with family and friends. With the holiday season coming up, we wanted you to feel prepared for these moments when you may be faced with personal questions about your journey. Some examples can include:
- “I wish I knew the answer to that”
- “We are actively trying to build our family; we will share updates when we have something to share”
- A humorous comment to divert the conversation
On the other hand, there may be loved ones who don’t ask questions because they don’t want to pry, and this can make you feel isolated. With these friends or family members, figure out what type of support you would want. Is it logistical support? Is it emotional support? Do you need a distraction? You can then identify what family member or friend is good at providing which type of support and invite them into your support circle.
Questions from the audience
1. My friend is having a baby shower and it’s during the time I’m waiting to see if I had a successful embryo transfer. Any advice for how to go about this scenario?
Give yourself the grace and the permission that you can make that decision the day you get your results, or you may wake up the day of the shower and assess how you’re feeling then. If you feel comfortable, you can share with your friend so they can have a better understanding of why you might submit a last-minute RSVP. If you aren’t up for it in person, you can always show your love from afar, which could be ordering a gift or sending a kind message of support.
2. I feel like there is something wrong with me because I can’t have a baby “naturally”. How do I move past that so I don’t carry that anxiety into my treatments when those start?
There’s nothing wrong with going through fertility treatment. There are several reasons that people seek reproductive technology. If you’re making that choice for the health and future of you and your family, that’s not a wrong decision. It may be helpful to join a local or virtual support group as seeking support from others who have undergone treatment can be helpful during the harder moments. If you’re feeling anxious, remember anxiety isn’t going to cause an undesired outcome during your treatment. Finding the right support can make anxiety more manageable.
If you have any other questions related to this webinar, please don’t hesitate to reach out to education@progyny.com. If you are a Progyny member and have any questions about your benefit or coverage, please call 888.597.5065.