Episode 191: Two Journeys, One Friendship: Egg Donation, Surrogacy, and Secondary Infertility

Nicole Gomez Fisher: I was very much a free bird, got married later in life, and it just wasn’t the number one priority at that point. But then when I got married, my husband was very much into having a family, and I was not against it by any means. It just never was a thought.I had ovarian cysts that were massive. They had to remove my right ovary, partial left and my tubes, which was very unexpected and shocking. And at the time, freezing eggs was sort of fairly new. I mean, I didn’t grow up in the1800s, but it was certainly new. And they weren’t 100% sure what would last and what would not last. So we tried, and then after five attempts, twice with mine, twice with another donor whose eggs were not any better than mine, we finally got a third egg donor, at which point we were told that because of my prior surgeries, I would not be able to carry full term, and so it was very risky for my life and the potential children. I was angry at God; I was angry at my friends. I was just angry at everybody, because I just couldn’t understand why it was getting more difficult as we went on. I really, really wanted them to be genetically mine.

Surrogacy was not legal in New York, so we had to go out of state. So I was as disconnected from this process as ever, even though my surrogate, who I still love to this day, really tried to keep me in the world with the sonograms, keeping me updated on everything, and she had a very difficult pregnancy was didn’t make it any easier, because then I felt this guilt as a woman that I put somebody else through that.

Mary Lamattina: It was a bunch of our college girlfriends, our little group. We were together for a particular weekend, and I vividly remember standing in my kitchen on the island, and I purposely stood away from Nicole because I was pregnant with my third child and was really, really nervous to say it, you know, in front of Nicole, but I figured it was probably better to do it in a group than one on one. And I forget exactly how it came out, but I vividly remember Nicole’s reaction. There were definitely some curse words in there.Nicole Gomez Fisher: Now in 2024 you go on Instagram, and it’s like, it’s just loaded with people who have gone through what I went through, you know, years ago. And I read some other women saying, I can’t go to baby showers, I can’t do this, I can’t do that. And it was the same kind of feeling with Mary situation, because you know you love someone so much, you know they want the best for you, and you don’t want to be that petty, jealous, bitter person. But when you’ve tried over and over again, it doesn’t help. And of course, I was happy for her, but then I went home and cried for about four hours.

Dan Bulger: Nicole and Mary are both bringing their infertility experiences with them to their work. Mary helps employers provide their employees with various benefits, and often benefits that can help cover fertility treatment. Nicole made a movie called Good Egg, and let me read the description for you, “A high school drama teacher, after failed attempts of IVF to conceive a child, is forced to consider an unconventional egg donor scenario that plunges her into a dangerous and exhilarating adventure with her husband.”

Nicole Gomez Fisher: The one thing that about having a friend like Mary is someone who can see beyond themselves and be empathetic to the level of just being there, just knowing that at any point I can pick up the phone, even if she was overseas. And, you know, and just have that connection.

Mary Lamattina: Nicole is, I hate to say, like “framily,” but she’s my sister, you know, no matter what. And we’ve established those bonds with godparent responsibilities, and lots of other things, but it’s just a bond that absolutely is strengthened when you go through something like this.